Confessions From Within

Changes in Life and Blogging

2009-04-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have been getting alot of people adding me to blog catalog from this blog. It makes me wonder are they really reading the blog, if they were, they would notice i have not blogged here in a very long time.
There is reason for this.
Before I quit writing in the particular blog, I was at a point in my life where I thought I was very content. I was happier than I had ever been, I had many plans, I was in love, and I was looking forward to moving on in the next chapter of my life with the one I loved.
The higher powers above had other plans. On Jan25th I was so excited to get home, so excited to call the love of my life and give him the good news. Little did I know that day my whole life would change. A drunk driver ran a stop sign and slammed into me, rolling my car, and severly injuring me. I sustained many broken bones in my pelvis, hip, and back. Some of my internal organs were damaged and needed repairing,, and I had a brain injury. I was in a medically induced coma for about a week and was in the hospital for almost a month.
My life was changed so dramitically and so quickly, and i had no control over it.
I couldnt accept my broken mind and body. I couldnt accept the fact that everything changed the way it did. I started shutting people out, the ones i loved, the ones that loved me. I became mean, biter and self centered. I was seeing a neuropsychologist for my brain injury and also in helping me deal with all that had happened.
As my brain started to heal more and more, I realized the person I had become, in that realization i realized I had lost the one I loved and pushed him away. That realization had come to late, he had already moved on with his life.
I realized the amount of people I had hurt along the way as I tried recovering, and the more i realized all this the more i started to hurt in the inside. I was a good person, why did God let this happen? In all my anger, i pushed all that mattered to me away. When I realized the damage I had done, i vowed that I would take a new stand, I would try and make things right, although i knew with one it was too late. Today he and I still talk about once a week real briefly, and i have reunited with my family again who remained patient with me through out it all.
I am now walking on crutches although very slowly! My brain is now functioning again like its suppose to, and I have made a promise to myself and the ones I love that I will never ever become that biter person again. I understand now that it will take time for my broken bones to heal, it will take time to get my life back, I have learned the word patience and I have learned the word Hope. Patience in knowing that its going to take time to recover completely. Hope..knowing that something better is instore for me, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
With patience I will reach Hope!
I have been blogging off and on, but I quit blogging here. this blog is a chapter in my life that has been closed.
If you have read this and still wish to follow me, then follow the link to my current blog, otherwise, this is the last thing im writing in this blog.
Haley

http://confessionsofageorgiabelle.blogspot.com/

A Snowy Georgia Morning Walk

2009-01-20T12:03:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke in a pleasantly good mood, which is rather rare for me until I have a couple cups of coffee in me.
I stood at my kitchen counter, with a freshly brewed warm cup of coffee in my hand. I took a sip of the coffee turning toward my kitchen window. I love standing in my kitchen in the mornings looking out the window and wondering what the day is going to be like. I love watching the birds as they eat their morning breakfast of seed, pecans, grub, whatever they may find.
But this morning something caught my eye rather quickly. What in the hell was I seeing? I took my glasses off and cleaned the lens (i wear contacts but have my glasses on first thing when rising from bed). It was way too early for me to even comprehend what I was seeing.
I walked out to my back porch and sure enough it was what I thought it was....SNOW.
Excited, I called my brother Bobby and woke him "theres snow, wake up, wake your kids we have snow" I called my brother Steve and told him the same thing. Then I called my sister in SC only an hour away from me and told her to wake up and to see if she had snow, she wasnt pleased with me waking her. I ran through the house waking my little brother and my daughters. My brothers called me back a few minutes later, not living that far from me they both did NOT have snow.. I called my best friend, she didnt have any snow either. No one seemed to believe me actually, except my little brother and daughters as they saw for themselves. I put on some clothes and after another cup of coffee, MY best friend, my companion, my number one dog Stella and I went for a brief walk through the woods.
I just wanted to share with you my Georgia snow fall this morning.
Ok, ok, no rolling your eyes as you look at the pictures, just remember this is Georgia, we do not witness snow often!

AND HERE IS STELLA ALL WORN OUT FROM HER ROMP IN THE WOODS!

A couple of weeks ago, we had alot of wind, gusting up to 35 and 40 mph. I could hear the eerie sound of the pines as they swayed back and forth, creeking, popping and rubbing against eachother. Later during the day, our power went out. I figured it was the wind that caused it. I walked outside to be with the dogs, when I could smell smoke. I thought to myself someone was an idiot for burning a fire with all the wind.
Realization hit me then, that maybe one of my pines had fallen hitting the power line. I ran down into the woods, and sure enough, there was an old pine down, broke the power line, and part of the live wire was on the ground, the other still on the pine stuck inbetween other pines and it was burning. Freaking over something so small I called the volunteer fire dept. who basically just laughed at me when they walked down into the woods and saw the little flame. They told me they couldnt do anything about it till the power company came and shut the power down because of the live wire. anyhow, heres a photo of the tree still stuck in the trees, and the other part of it laying on the ground. Yea, yea i know real interesting. :-)

today i remain.....sad the snow is all gone :-)

my kids think im a complete embarrassment

2009-01-19T19:49:00.000-08:00

I actually drive a 1998 Chevrolet Blazer. I love my Blazer, but a few months ago i ran into someone who had a Daihatsu Rocky for sale or trade.
I had never heard of one before and the person who wanted to sale it also wanted a small car for his teen. I had an accura integra that wasnt in that great of shape, and his Rocky just wasnt what his teen wanted. We traded vehicles, even trade. I actually felt kind of bad because the accura was really in bad shape and the Rocky was pretty nice and ran great!
But he assured me it was all good.

The above picture is not of my car, i took it from wikipedia, just so you can see what kind of car im talking about. they didnt make too many of them, and you really dont see any around here, atleast i never had. But my car looks identical to the one in the photo.
When gas prices were soaring the Rocky replaced my Blazer. It was fun to drive, it has 4 wheel drive like my blazer, 5 speed, and gets excellent gas milage.
My kids hate the Rocky they absolutely hate it.
As gas prices came down they talked me into driving the Blazer again, so i did. i will admit riding in luxury in my blazer is a much more smoother ride than the Rocky.

My 15 year old daughter wanted to spend the night with a friend last night. This particular friend's parents are very very very wealthy. They live in a very very very rich neighborhood and drive cadillacs and mercedes. They live in a quarter million dollar house. The neighborhood has a security guard at the entrance, so that pretty much tells you how ritzy it is.
So I let my daughter spend the night. That was no problem.

About 12ish she called me today to come pick her up. I had been lazy most of the morning, and it was rather chilly here. I had on my pajama top that hung down to my knees and that was it when she called. She was pretty much ready to come home because she said she was hungry and they didnt eat meat and when she told them a pnut butter and jelly sandwich would be good instead of some kind of vegetable thing they had, they told her they are all allergic to peanut butter.
She whisperd into the phone "hurry mama, im hungry i havent since yesterday at lunch"

I felt sorry for my child, i love food, and to not eat since lunch yesterday this was an emergency haha.
I pull on some jogging pants real quick, and put on a long sleeve tshirt, i slid my barefeet into a pair of clogs and holler at my other daughter that i was leaving incase she wanted to ride and she did.
I had no intention of getting out of the car so i didnt even take time to take my hair down and brush it either.
We jump in the blazer and i noticed i didnt have much gas, so we jumped out of the Blazer and into the Rocky.

I am almost at the ritzy neighborhood when i noticed the tempature gage was almost on
H !!
Well shit, i was running hot!
I was thinking i might could make it to thier house, before it completely ran hot.
I told the security guard at the gate where i was going and why. He said "mam your car is running hot" Like i couldnt see the steam pouring from my hood over the top of the roof .
I really wanted to say "no shit sherlock" at this point and bit my tongue instead, and said "yes im aware of that" and i pulled off.
Little did i remember that this neighborhood had speed bumps!!
i was trying to really hurry at this point. The Rocky is a 5 speed automatic so slowing and changing gears would slow me down.
NOT only was I completely on H now, and steam galore pouring out, I was also going about 35 in a 15 mph zone with speed bumps.
I must say the Rocky did real well jumping those speed bumps.

Finally I get to thier house. My daughter Aimee was standing outside with her friend so i would see her so i wouldnt miss the house. (not like i could miss the mansion amongst other mansions). My other daughter Shelby was holding on for dear life!
I turn the corner and come to a stop right in front of thier house and shut the car off.
Aimee's face turned 10 thousand shades of red.
I jumped out...forgetting what i looked like. The childs mother and father were standing on the HUGE front porch.
I said "hey Aims, i made it, had a little trouble but i made it"
She shook her head "mama youre so embarrasssing!"
I wave at the childs parents who are standing on the porch, and i start walking toward them.
I sware i think thier mouths were wide open. I said "Im running hot, can I get a jug of water?"
She said "sure, yes of course" and turned to go inside.
The father just stood there looking like a complete dork. It was then that i realized one thing....the way i was dressed. Long sleeve tshirt, NO BRA, jogging pants pulled up to my knees, and clogs! plus riding in a Rocky with steam pouring from beyond the hood, not to mention my hair was all over my head.
I tried pulling it off with grace, by wrapping my arms around me and saying"wow its cold today huh"
He didnt flinch. Alrighty then! I turn to walk back to my steaming car.
The lady comes outside and is walking toward me.
I thought i was going to fall over dead.
She handed me a bottle of Dansani bottled water. OMG! i know i can be air headed sometimes but this just beat all i had ever seen.
I explained that i needed alot of water to pour in the radiator when it cooled!
she said "oh ok, i thought you were just mad and upset and wanted water, i get like that sometimes"
i wanted to say something smart assed again, but again i bit my lip.
I looked over at Aimee and told her to give up her coat., she handed it over to me. i had to uncross my arms and i really didnt want to give the nerdy dad another show.

He finally walked off the porch and said i needed to take the cap off. I told him i didnt think that was such a bright idea, my patience was running thin at this point. i explained to him that if we popped the cap now we probably would get seriously burned.
HE HAD THE AUDACITY to ask me WHY!!
"Do you NOT hear the water freaking boiling" i almost yelled. I also did not say freaking..i said the F word. I told you my patience was running really thin.
I told Aimee to call Lonnie (my little brother who lives with me) and tell him i may need some help!!
After the car cooled, i opened the cap, started the car, poured water in it, left the cap a little lose, thanked them for Aimee's stay, apologized for the way i was dressed and for being a little rude, i was having a bad minute, and off i went.
Shelby had her head hung low, Aimee was not speaking to me.
When i asked them what the problem was ..In unison as if they rehearsed it "mama youre so freaking embarrassing!"

We didnt make it a mile when i had to pull over into a convenience store and call my brother again. "bring the blazer and the tow dolley, im not going to make it home" i said.
As i was saying this to him on the phone soon as i parked and turned the car off....BOOOOM!!!!
I blew the radiator hose. about 10 people just turned and looked at us. my 15 year old daughter muttered 'shit' under her breath, my 13 year old said "thats it, i will never ever ride in this car again!!!"

Once home, my brother checked it out. i did blow the radiator hose, but the thermostat was stuck causing it to run hot. Unfortunately for them, i didnt blow the car up!!!
Thats one tough Rocky!!! Jumps speed bumps at 35 with ease, overheats to the max and still Survived!!!
Yep, I think im keeping the Rocky!

awwwwww

2009-01-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

She was pregnant. He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, then he continued to fight the fire.

When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

A photographer from the Charlotte , North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.

He saw her walking straight toward the firefighter and wondered what she was going to do.

As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had just saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photo.

Today Max Left Me

2009-01-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

Max is an American Pit Bull Terrier. I run and operate Haley's Haven. I rescue and rehabilitate pit bull terriers, once these babies are ready for a new and exciting home, I adopt them out.

On a cold February morning. He was cold and starving. Max was all bones. He looked as if his skin had been painted on him. Max showed no signs of aggression, his eyes said it all when he looked at me "Help Me".
I took Max from the officers arms "he snapped at me so becareful" he spoke. "NO, he wont bite me" i told the officer as I cradled Max's head in my arms.
I took him in the house, away from the kennels to a nice warm cozy bed, and laid him down. I sat beside him as my daughter prepared some broth and rice for him. I stroked his face with the back of my hand. His big beautiful golden eyes closed. He tried to open them again but it took so much effort on his part. I whispered to him "you will never have to suffer again Precious" and I meant every word I said. As if he understood me, his body went limp. "mama is he dead?" my other daughter asked. I shook my head, Max was just relaxing. He sensed, he knew, he was safe. When the mixture of broth and rice was ready, I put it under his nose, so he could breathe in the smell. He tried to lift his head to lap it up, but was to weak. I lifted the skin on the nape of his neck. it remained standing, he was so dehydrated. I got up from the floor and got the big syringe i sometime use and some pedialyte from the cabinet. I injected the liquid into maxs mouth forcing him to swallow. He needed the electrolytes. When I felt he had enough, i then filled the huge syringe with broth and slowly injected into his mouth a little at a time, still forcing him to swallow. He trembled. I didnt know whether he was cold or scared. Probably a mix of both. My daughter grabbed another blanket for him, and i covered him up and wrapped him up tight. Every hour or so sometimes less, I kept liquids in Max through the syringe. That night, I laid my sleeping bag down beside him and my two pillows and I slept by his side. I would not let him wake to a strange enviroment, scared, hungry, and alone.
The next morning Max woke with a small growl. I opened my eyes, and saw his golden eyes looking at me. "Goodmorning precious, what are you growling for?"
He growled again, his golden eyes wide open. "i took you in, dont growl at me, I will fix you some breakfast"
I slowly rose from the floor, and carefully as to not frighten or alarm him.
I reheated his broth and rice mixture and brought it to him, setting it just infront of his bed, to where he would have to get up to get it. He looked at me and thumped his tail a few times on the floor. He then army crawled to the bowl and lapped it all up. His tail hitting the floor what seemed about 50mph he looked at me with his eyes pleading for more, but too much would have made him sick.
That night Max wanted up from his bed, I led him outside to use the bathroom. His poor body shook against the cold. Once I opened the door to let him back in, he ran to his bed and plopped down wagging his tail. "awww youre going to be just fine" i said to him.

Over the course of 2 months or so Max and I became best friends. He was always so eager to learn new things, but a little stubborn with others, but one thing about Max, he was always eager to love. Thats all he begged for was love. A kiss, a scratch behind his ears, a belly rub, a back rub, what ever involved your touch.
Max always showed such gratitude.

Max would often go walking with me in the woods . He was a good listener. I would always talk to him as we walked. I would tell him things that were bothering me, or I would tell him something that happened at work, it didnt matter, i just talked to him. And from to time Max would look up at me when i got quiet as if to say "go on, im listening", and i would talk some more to him.

Today Max left me. It was a hard choice to make, I almost didnt want to let Max go. His love, his gratitude, and his stubborness made me real attached to him, and made me love him so much.
I knew the new owners would provide good care, excellent care, and good home. I was scared he may not get along with thier other dog, so I had them bring her here one day for Max to meet her. They sniffed eachother, and they were fine. I asked for the dog to be brought to Max several times through out the last 2 weeks, and Max had gotten to know his new parents and play mate.
Today, I held Max's leash over to his new Mama and Daddy. I tried to hold back the tears. I had already had a horrible morning, now i was adopting Max out. I just wanted to take the leash, snap it lightly and say "go" and us run through the woods as fast as we could, slowing ourselves to a trot then to a walk where i could release my fears, cares, and worries to him. He would listen, and his golden eyes would say "go on, im listening".
But that would be no longer, i couldnt hold the tears back any more, they fell like rain.
I apologized and got down on my knees and held max tightly against me and cried into his shoulders. When i pulled away he licked my tears, he licked my cheeks over and over as if to say "Its ok, go on, im listening" i just smiled at him and kissed his beautiful red nose.

I said my last goodbye, I could not watch him leave. I turned my back on him, I freaking turned my damn back on him. I heard the van pull away. I turned my back on him, why? My own selfishness? Never once did he ever turn his back on me, not once.
I ran down to the pastures as fast as i could to my brother, and grabbed his cell phone. I dialed thier cell number "bring him back, im sorry, i just need to see him one last time, i turned my back on him, he never turned his on me, i need to say goodbye one more time".
To my surprise i saw the van pulling back in the driveway. I ran to the side door and opened it. Max was sitting tall and proud in the seat. He never moved, he just looked at me with those beautiful gold eyes as if to say "Go on, Im listening"

I told him how much i loved him, how much he meant to me, and that he could always come visit anytime he wanted. I told him he would be living in a house with his new girlfriend and he would sleep on a couch, and his new owners would give him the best care and love. I kissed his cheeks and hugged him. He licked my face and turned his head toward the front window. he was ready to go. I said goodbye and shut the door to the van. I waved goodbye to Max as they drove away.

About 2 hours later I recieved an email from Max's new owners. I smiled, he is happy.
His new girlfriend sure is making him feel safe and welcome. lol.

Guaranteed to bring a smile!

2009-01-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

Please take a few minutes out of your scheledule and watch this video. I promise you it will bring a smile to your face, maybe even laugh so hard you cry.
I have been dealing with a migraine so I dont have alot to say, but please check out this hilarious video.

Today I remain....hopeful

The Sweet Sounds of Morning

2009-01-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Looking out my window this morning the heavy rain had died down to a drizzle. I watched the muddy stream of water run downhill to the waiting mud puddle. I dreaded the morning, I dreaded the day. I honestly did not feel like slopping around in all the mud and wetness this morning.
Steam rose from my coffee in hand, i took a sip savoring the taste. I love my coffee. Im a coffee freak. "GET UP NOW, LAST TIME IM TELLING YOU" I yelled. I was yelling at my 2 teen daughters who will not get out of bed for school.
I watched the grey skies turn darker, and the drizzle began to get heavier.
Suddenly I wanted to be a kid again. I wanted to jump in the huge mud puddle, I wanted sing and dance in the rain.
Why the sudden change? only seconds ago I dreaded slopping in the mud, now i wanted to play in the mud.
I heard footsteps in the hall. "im sick of the rain mama!" a grouchy shelby said as she entered the bathroom.
I wondered if she thought i could end the rain?
The toilet flushed. "Get out of my way" a grouchy Aimee snapped. Assuming she was making her way to the bathroom now.
I did not get up early this morning, no, i wanted to sleep in. I do not even remember saying good night to him. Did I fall asleep on him?
"mama where are my black jeans?"
"mama do we have any breakfast?"
"mama! Nora wont get off my bed"
"mama! whats for breakfast" (didnt i hear that one already?)
"Shut UP!!" a loud boom from my brother who has moved in with us for a little while longer.
"You shut up Lonnie, MAMA! Is Mama still in the house? MAMA!! whats for breakfast?"
The rain looked so peaceful, i wondered if raindrops spoke to eachother.
"MAMA!!"
I turn the voice echoing through my room, i see shelby with hands on her hips. "mama we are going to be late why did you let us over sleep?"
ME????? yea blame me! I remained quiet and turned back to my window.
Then it hit me, these are the sounds of my life, these are the sounds of my love, these are the sounds that i would truly miss if anything should happen to them.
I walk down the hall to the stairs..hmm lonnie said he would not be coming home but didnt i hear him yell shut up? I peek in his room, yep he is in the bed. "when did you come in?" I asked.
"about 4" he said turning over and throwing his pillow on his head.
In the kitchen i find Aimee eating a poptart.
I make another cup of coffee.
The dogs start to wrestle, the growls of two massive dogs rolling around on the floor about to engage in tug of war, thier mouths on the cloth, they begin to tug, the growls becoming louder.
"MAMA HAVE YOU EVEN WASHED MY JEANS?"
"WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO YELL?" lonnie himself yells.
"Shut up Lonnie, Mama's pissed, shes not talking" Shelby yells.
I smile, no I was not pissed.

Aww the sweet sounds of morning. I wondered how he is going to feel waking to these sounds?

I feel much better today, we talked of my fears somewhat last night.
My fear of loving and losing.
Yes, i admit, i feared loving so deeply and losing him and though the fear is still there, atleast now he knows how i feel.
I smile, hes so understanding, why didnt i just tell him to begin with?"

"MAMA, WHERE ARE MY BLACK JEANS"
"we are going to get detention for being late again"

"MAMA, tell aimee to shut up"
"MAMA SHELBY CALLED ME A BITCH"
"NO I DIDNT"

my piano invites me, one of the dogs bump me in the leg while playing tug of war.
RIP! Nora wins
Oh shit, its the missing black jeans.

Yes, the sweet sounds of morning.

Today I remain............quietly inlove

I Am Afraid

2009-01-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

I try not to get too personal with my blogs, but sometimes I do. Its a way of releasing something eating at my soul, knawing and clawing in my mind. However, yesterday I got a little too personal, and I deleted my whole post and decided to write in my journal I have near my bedside table. Even then I still had so much pressing.
After spending nearly 3 hours on the phone last night till the wee hours of the morning, so many thoughts ran rapid through my brain.
How can I tell him my fears? Why am I afraid of telling him my fears? We share relatively the same past, same hopes, dreams, wants and needs. Its like we are almost cloned. He likes to say Im the missing piece. He says I am a piece of him that has been missing so long. I honestly have to say I agree.
So why am I afraid to share my fears with him? Am I scared of his rejection? No. I doubt he will reject me. If no one truly understood me, I do believe he does, so why am i afraid?
So many times I have sat down and tried to message him all I was feeling, but the words just wouldnt come out right. I end up just babbling about nothing.
But always with due time I always end up confessing something to him. I might feel the need pressing to tell him something, yet i cant get it out, 2 or 3 days later it will flow from me like a river downstream.
And the funny thing about it all...i know deep down he has the same fears. I know this. So why am i afraid of telling him?
He knows so much of my past, my wrong doings, my broken and failed marriage. He knows the heartache, hurts and sorrows from my past. He knows the anger I sometimes cannot push down and make go away.
The moment I realized I was in love with him, he knew .He freaking knew. it was something I was trying to hide, but he knew. When I tried explaining some kind of feeling I had, what i felt like for so long, and i started to babble trying to get him to understand, he silenced me. He sent me an old blog he had written. The words, just as i had said. The feelings, the same as I.
So who is going to understand my fears like no other? He is, but I am afraid.

Never once did i think i could love again. Never once did i dream if i ever did it would be this way. We speak of forever and ever. What woman wouldnt want forever?
A number of women would kill for him, for the sweet nothings he says to me, the way he can read into my soul and bring things out of me hidden for years.

Beyond the spiders, beyond the snakes, beyond him knowing how big of a klutzy and clumsy person i am, there are things that go much deeper.

How do i express them to him? Does he already know? Our love, deep, pure, complicated, he can read into the very depths of my soul. Does he already know these fears, these fears im so afraid of.

Today I remain...........Afraid

Jesus Loves The Little Children

2009-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

Jesus loves the little children,
all the children of the world
red, yellow, black and white
they're so precious in his sight
Jesus loves the children of the world.

Matthew Chapter 19
But Jesus said, Suffer little children,
and forbid them not, to come unto me:
for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

I had to blog on this subject today. It has been brought up several times in the last 24 hours.
I was asked earlier today, would I ever adopt again. I would if financially stable, and a father to help support the child. Would I adopt locally and private again? No, I doubt i would. I would go overseas for a precious one.
Would I get a baby? a toddler? an adolescent? or a teenager? boy? girl? Those are questions I cannot answer. It would all depend.
I was asked last night by someone i love, if things worked out, would i love his kids. Thats a question I shouldnt even been asked, but an understanding one. I certainly can understand that subject coming up in the conversation. And of course my answer was yes.

All this led to a bigger question, a question I asked myself. If Jesus loved all the little children of the world, why is there so much poverty? Why are children starving, dying, and abused?
In the bible Jesus says for all the little children come to him. What if these kids are not old enough to call upon him? What if they have never been taught to call upon him?

If you do a yahoo image search of Jesus with children, you will get many different images of Jesus with children, blessing them, loving them, feeding them, holding them, kissing them, laying his hands on them, and the list goes on.
But in every photo you do not see a crying child, or a starving baby, or an abused child.
They are all smiles and happy.
I would love to think that the portraits painted of this, is because they have already come to him, and he has given them new life.

I want to believe Jesus can help, i want to believe there is a God, I want to believe that children will no longer have to suffer. I want to believe that there is life after death, and all kids that have suffered under an abusive hand, starved and neglected, dead and gone, are safe in Jesus' arms, living the life they deserved to begin with.

I want to believe the millions that are reported being poured into make a wish foundation and feed the starving children, and unicef and all go to feeding the hungry..but after millions and millions why are there so many still starving? why are they still living in the streets? why all the diseases?

Why does Jesus let this happen.

I know i shouldnt question this, but i do.

Could i ever love another womans child? Yes, I could. I didnt give birth to my own kids, but I love them as if i did. I will never know the joys of giving birth, but i do know the joys of motherhood. I will never know the joys of carrying a baby, but i do know the sweet rewards when your child looks at you and says i love you.
Yes, sometimes i wished i could had kids of my own, but i knew early in life, i would never be able to.
It is not about whether whose kids they are, how well behaved they are, how ugly or how cute they are, a child is a child. what is there not to love?

If i could save one child from poverty and disease, I would feel i have done something to make a difference in this world.
I cannot stand looking at images of tears running down a dirt caked face. I cannot stand seeing images of a child with nothing but skin covering thier bones. But these are images that are real. we do not live in a fairy tale world. while we have a roof over our head, and a warm bed to sleep in, breakfast in the morning..there are kids sleeping on the streets, cold, wet and starving.
My heart goes out to them, I do not know them, but I love them.
If i love them, why not help them? I have sent money to the charities before, I recieved a photo of little boy before of whom i sponsored, and then 6 months later, I never received again. where di d my money go? Was the child real?
Maybe I should stop farming, maybe I should pack my kids and myself and travel to another part of the world, and see what help i could offer. What would i do? If i did nothing but tell them i loved them i would hope it would make a difference. but truthfully i dont think it would.
If i carried one bag of rice, how many could i feed for the day?
i could not save them all, but Jesus can. why doesnt he?

children hold a special place in my heart, they are taken for granted daily. Stop, look at your child, you are not guaranteed tomorrow with them, make it the best everyday!!

I was in the grocery store a couple of years ago. There was a little boy in the buggy being pushed by his mother. He was crying and his nose was caked with dried green snot, while fresh ran down from his nose as he cried. His mother kept saying "shut up jamal, shut the hell up now before i beat you senseless"
He continued to cry "but i want pop tots, i want pop tots"
"you not getting any fucking poptarts you retard"
I really wanted to slap the lady but knew it wasnt my place. I saw her go the check out counter, with a case of Bush beer, a bag of chips and a package of hamburger meat.
I followed. The child still screaming. I looked at my then 13 year old and asked her to go get me a box of poptarts, i didnt care what kind, but get the good kind.
She did. I was behind the woman at the checkout, i did not have all my groceries, she paid for her hamburger meat and chips with food stamps and her beer with cash. This seemed to get under my skin even worse.
Behind her back, i held the box of pop tarts up for the boy to see, he reached out to them, and i handed them to him.
"he dont need that shit" she said.
And i said "and you dont need that shit" i said nodding to the beer.
The kid tore into the unpaid pop tarts and took one out.
"you need to mind your business you nosey ass bitch" she said looking me up and down.
"Sure, youre right i do, but i wanted him to have the poptarts especially after you slapped him upside the head just before you told him no and grabbed your beer"
"this aint my beer carrot top" she said.
"well those arent my pop tarts, they are his now"
I handed the cashier 3 dollars in hopes it would cover the poptarts, she shook her head "dont worry about it" she said.
The woman walked off pushing the buggy mumbling something then she grabbed a pop tart from the box and ate one herself as she walked out the door.
Maybe the kid didnt need the poptarts, no i dont buy mine everything they want, but i damn sure dont buy a case of beer and slap them upside the head and call them retards.

Its people like that, that i dont understand why God would allow them to have children, and then deny people like who have so much love to give.

NOTE: Disturbing images below

I WOULD GIVE HER WARM CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP. I WOULD BATHE HER WEAK DELICATE BODY, IN LUSCIOUS SWEET SMELLING SOAP. I WOULD WASH HER HAIR AND CONDITION WITH THE FINEST OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER. I WOULD CLOTHE HER IN A DRESS MADE OF FINE SOFT RED FABRIC WITH WHITE FLOWERS.
I WOULD TIE A RED RIBBON IN HER FINELY COMBED HAIR.
I WOULD THEN SIT HER DOWN AT MY TABLE AND FEED HER A MEAL SHE WOULD NEVER FORGET. I WOULD KISS HER SWEET CHEEKS AND TELL HER SHE WILL NEVER STARVE AGAIN.
JESUS WHERE ARE YOU?

I WOULD GIVE THEM BOTH A BED TO CALL THEIR OWN, COMFORT THEY HAVE NEVER FELT. I WOULD GIVE THEM SOFT WARM COTTON BLANKETS TO WRAP IN. PAJAMAS WITH THE FLANNEL SOFTNESS AGAINST THEIR SKIN. A HEATED HOME TO CALL THEIR OWN. A PILLOW MADE OF FINE DOWN TO LAY THEIR PRECIOUS HEAD ON.
JESUS WHERE ARE YOU?

If I was adopting, this is the child id choose. I dont need to know her name, nor her background. her face says it all.
I would give her all she deserved. I would always kiss those precious tears away.
I cannot describe the pain in my heart as i look at this photo. you can feel her pain, and i would promise her no more pain.
Jesus, where are you?

They may not can go to Jesus, but I can, Jesus where are you?

Tonight i remain.....loving those i do not know

2008-12-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

Friday, on this stage will sit an ebony polish grand piano. The lights will dim, except for the soft glow on the stage. Guests seated in their velvet covered chairs will come to a silence from their quiet whispers. The burgundy velvet curtain will open after a brief introduction. I will walk from behind the corner of the stage, my heels clicking on the hardwood floored stage. Behind my smile I will be a nervous wreck. I will sit in front of the ivory keys, and delicately place my fingers upon them.

My songs not yet chosen at this time.
My own original composition not yet finished, my time is drawing near. My nose becomes clogged today and later starts to drain. My coughing returned last night, and my throat has become sore. This will be the first time I have ever gotten sick prior to any of performances.
I wonder, is it my nerves? Surely not. My sister sent me an email today, tickets are sold out. This will be the first time in 5 years. This made me more nervous.

I took time off today to practice and compose, I guess I will do it again the rest of the week.

I will hide my fear and my anxiety as I always do. I will sit and I will drift away. The unknown faces in the auditorium will vanish, the lights glowing above me will no longer be. I will travel to some distant place. Where? I do not know until the time comes, but when i reach my destination I will play for only one. I will relinquish all feelings inside of me upon the keys.
The applauds will come at the end and I will be forced back into the present time, together the Symphony and I will play a joyous Christmas song to end the night, in a not so joyous time.

Tonight I remain........a procrastinating composer

2008-12-15T16:36:00.000-08:00

Recently my mind has been flooding with thoughts again. I cannot seem to shake them. Ive tried, the harder i try the more my mind races. The thoughts come full speed often switching lanes.
I honestly hate when my mind races like this. I feel my thoughts are racing from 0 to 60 fueled by my own insecurities, my own anger, my own depression.

I want to scream but there is no one to scream to. The only person that may could understand would be the one who my thoughts center around.
I dream, Ive always been labeled a dreamer. Ive made quiet a few those dreams come true in my lifetime, but my daydreams now consist of loving one whom i cannot even touch. I question the love. Should one even do that? I do. I know what I feel, but I question it. I lay in bed after hours of talking and I question myself. Can this really be love? How can he read my thoughts as if he was looking me in the eyes staring down into the very core of my soul? How can he see what I cannot see in my own self? And how in the hell did he know the questions that roamed through my mind today..what if it is forever? where will forever be? Should i even be looking into the future? Take it one day at a time is what my sister would say. But even these thoughts she does not know.
I have never felt this way, even when i thought i loved the deepest and the most, I did not. This is a feeling like none other and im not sure how to handle it.
So I go with the flow. The flow is hard for me. Ive always been in control. In every thing i have done, in my relationships, my job, my family, I was in control. Or was I? maybe I never was. One thing is for sure now, I no longer have control. I tried controlling all my thoughts, hopes and dreams, and love and I lost control.
So I give him my hand and I let him lead the way, yes, he leads the way, because i cannot.

He does not know i watch him when his camera is on. He does not know i watch his every blink, the way he strokes his beard, the way he twists it and then lets it go.
He does not know I watch him fold his hands over his chest, move his head side to side. He does not know i watch the corners of his mouth turn up into the most angelic smile. I watch him walk to the fireplace and the way he bends over.

I place the tip of my finger nail against the screen and i trace his lips. I run my finger softly down his lips, his beard, his chest, as far as i can see.
I look at his hands, and I know mine fit perfectly in his. I lay my head on his chest, and I feel his hand run through my hair.
I kiss him so softly. our lips barely touching, just brushing eachothers, he takes control and pulls me closer and kisses me with a passion only two people in love can feel. These are my dreams, this is what i want in reality. I get so lost in my dreams, i feel its almost real, and when i realize its not reality, i hurt. I fucking hurt so bad when i realize im still all alone with out him.

I looked at my favorite picture of him the other night. I looked more deeply than i ever have, nothing changed, his eyes still remained the same, but I felt them burning in mine. I felt his love, I felt a connection. I felt his arms around me, holding me, whispering to me, kissing me. It was such a great comfort, and with that comfort i fell asleep.

The last few times we have talked something has been bothering him, and im scared, because i dont know what it is. so my mind races again, what have i done? is it over with? are we over before we even started?

I remain.........in love and confused

2008-12-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

Sadly it is that time of the year again. Everyone walks around singing Jingle Bells, Silent Night, and Deck The Halls. A long ride from the country to town at night, you can see the multicolored lights decorated throughout lawns. Houses adorned with the beautiful lights, manager scenes in the front yards, white candles in windows, the lights are simply beautiful.
Gifts lay under trees decorated with glittery balls, sentimental ornaments, festive lights flashing, red bows, with a flashing star or a praying angel to top it off.
Except my house. I have been the biggest scrooge this year. Im not really sure why. I just dont have all that holiday cheer. my daughters decided we needed to go ahead and put the tree up, my dog attacked it at 3am, yea score one for the dog!
Since my kids have become teenagers and no longer believe in Santa Claus I have gotten where i like christmas less and less. I do not like the shopping, i do not like the crowds.
I simply hate the cheerful old ladies who look at you and say merry christmas to you and God bless you. Why? Why would you even want to say God Bless to me? Do I look like I need a blessing? I also hate the scrooges like me, who are looking for that one gift and you can see the look of disgust and anger across their face. You try and muster up a smile, maybe your smile could brighten them if only for a moment, but they give you an eat shit look in return. I think to myself Fuck You. Yes, I do not like Christmas. It has become way to commercialized.
Last year, I ordered a few things on line to put under the tree, and then i gave my daughters money. I figured it was best to let them decide what they really wanted. Let them learn the concept of money!
There was no greater feeling, setting up toys and stuffing stockings just a few years ago. Getting up early before the sun rose, and waiting by the tree to see the sparkle in my daughters eyes as they ran in the living room to see what santa brought. The laughs, the giggles, the gleam in thier eyes brought tears in mine own eyes.
NOW, Mama i want, I want, I want, Can i have? why cant i have?
Then theres all the programs i have play at. Sure i could have said no this year, but noooo not me i have to feel guilty at the thought of no.
I would love to just skip Christmas this year. Im really not liking the thought of it.
Im scared to close my eyes at night. Im scared im going to start hearing chains rattle and the ghosts of christmas past, present and future are going to take me away. Christmas past will only show how I loved Christmas as a child. Waking up, feeling all nervous to see what santa left, running to the living room, getting slammed against the wall by your brother so he could get there first. Seeing barbie dolls, and barbie clothes, a big smile on my face...the whoops and cheers of brothers with new bb guns. As morning passed and the kids gather outside with new bikes, bbguns and me with my barbie and barbie car, Kelly dressed in a beautiful new coat, and earphones on her ears rocking to Kiss or somebody. We are all happy for a moment. That is until my ass, and legs started stinging from bb's !! I hated a damn bb gun. I guess maybe thats why i hate guns so much now. I must be scarred internally from the bbs as a kid. I would run to mama screaming Steve shot me. Mama would always say "its not going to kill you". Kelly would always wipe my tears and say dont worry about it. Funny till this day, she still wipes my tears and says dont worry about it.
Christmas past would also show the one time i really really really wanted that one special gift. I wanted a stereo. I was 12 years old. It was all i asked for, nothing else. That morning i did not run to the living room, i walked, I had learned not to get so excited. Bobby had a real shot gun. the first thought in my head was to hide, much much more powerful than a bb gun and it would kill me! I looked over at Steve , he too was holding a brand new shotgun. Wow! Great! 2 shot guns, i wondered who would kill who first! i stood in the doorway of the living room. mama urging me to see my stuff santa brought. I remember shaking my head, I just wanted to see what everybody else had first for some reason. I wanted to sit down with my stereo and enjoy it alone...i looked over at Kelly who had a Carolina Gamecock tag for a car. I wondered what she would do with that, when she busted out screaming. i ran over to her, she was jumping madly looking out the window, bobby and steve ran to the window..outside sat a baby blue Volkswagon with a red bow on top. Kelly ran outside, I followed. I was all smiles for her and asked would she take me for a ride. Of Course she yelled. The two of us sat in the car a minute, Steve had his shotgun pointed at the window..."do it and i will fuck you up" kelly said to him. I think he knew she probably would and just walked off. "what did you get?" she asked me. I shrugged my shoulders "dont know, havent looked yet". Kelly walked back inside with me, I walked over to the corner of the living room to see my stereo. Instead I found a couple of pairs of blue jeans, a sweater that made me itch, new tennis shoes, and a sony walkman. I looked around the room there was no stereo. The sony walkman was my stereo. Mama walked over and asked did I like it. "NO, mama all i asked for was a stereo, thats it." Her brown eyes turned red "Haley, you are never satisfied, Kelly got a car, Bobby and Steve got shotguns, do you even realize how much it all costs me?" "No mama and i dont care" I took my stuff to my room Kelly and I shared and laid across my bed. A few minutes later Kelly walked in and said she was going to go drive her car did i want to ride. i remember looking at her and busted out crying. She told me to never let it show. "NEVER HALEY, EVER, LET IT SHOW, she feeds off of it" she said. All i wanted was a stereo. I rode with Kelly that Christmas Day to our Grandparents in Georgia. I ran inside and threw my arms around my grandmother. "merry christmas baby" she said kissing me. This is where i always wanted to be..in my nannie's arms. i ran to my grandfather, and sat in his lap. "what did you get me?" i asked. "why would i tell my favorite grand baby that secret for?"
After we ate, we all sat around and opened our gifts. Kelly got a gift certificate to a store, Bobby and Steve got shotgun shells and knives. Great now they can slash eachother!
Again i waited till i was the last one. I had one little box in my hand. I opened it up carefully, inside the box was my grandmothers cameo broach. Ok..so it held sentimental value, but still not something a 12 year old would want. atleast not me. nannie told me her mother gave it to her when she was 12, and she wanted me to have it. I still have it today! I looked at my grand daddy, i think he read my mind. He told me to lift the cotton. I did, and under it was a 100 bill.
"Thats for being my favorite" he whispered as i hugged him tightly. When everybody left to go home, I stayed the rest of the week with my grandparents. My grand daddy took me to town the following day, I bought my own damn stereo!!!

Christmas past would also show the day my grand daddy gave me the keys to his orange Volkswagon and told me it was mine. Kelly and I would race up and down the backroads that day, her in her blue one, me in my orange one.
Christmas past would also show the day the Steve got a horse, and while i was loving and petting the horse, he turned and bit my boob. I do not like horses now because of that.
Christmas past would also show how Lonnie was neglected and I would always make sure he got what he wanted, I knew the feeling.

If the ghost of Christmas present came, he would show me what a selfish bitch im being about christmas, I would probably wrap his little chain around his neck and pull it tight and stuff him in the stocking. He would probably show me what its like for other families that dont get a christmas because they cant afford it. With that, i always give and give even when i dont have it, just so i know the poor can celebrate as well.

If the ghost of Christmas future came...I cannot say. I would hope he would show me i could enjoy christmas once again.

Its not my childhood that prevents me from enjoying christmas, its the fact my children are growing, im alone, and I get lonely at christmas. a feeling i dont like admitting.
But this year, im going to try really hard, to be happy because im thankful i have my favorite brother here to celebrate with us.
I will be thankful and happy because God gave me the ability to give my kids the money they want for christmas.
I will try and be happy even if i feel empty inside.
What is Christmas? How did santa claus even come about? Arent we suppose to celebrate the birth of Christ?
Maybe I should have been a Jehova's Witness.

Today I remain.......a scrooge!

Piano Therapy

2008-12-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

A writer expresses their emotions through a pen and paper or keyboard and screen. An artist, through paint, pastels, pencils the images flow on canvas or sketchpad of the emotions that engulf them. A muscian expresses these feelings through their music. A pianist expresses through the ivory keys.
This morning, I let everything that was flaming inside of me be released, extinguished through my fingers on to the ivory that laid beneath my finger tips. Anger from harsh words spoken between two sisters, anger from the annoyance of my job, anger from my children, my brother, my employees. Today was not a good morning, I needed to get away. I ran home, through the woods, fighting the branches against my long sleeves. The nature went unnoticed, i was being consumed with too much anger. I fought the tears that burned my eyes, i would not release with such a weakness.
Inside she sat, calling me to her, she would feel my anger, she would take it away. The divine ebony of her beauty glistened under the suns rays through the window. The ivory laid waiting.
I had no certain song to play. I laid my fingers on the keys, my mind spinning like a tornado on a spring day. Linkin Park prevailed, seems their songs are always the ones I play when im lost in thoughts. His lyrics seem to always describe the very entity of me of what ever i feel. Bleed It Out rang through the quiet, empty house followed by What Ive Done. I could feel all my anger easing, but still so much consumed me. Fall For You came out better than I could have every played, "I'm entranced by you, im enthralled by you". No, those are not lyrics, but words spoken to me that ring through my mind. When the day comes, hold my face in your hands,let me feel your touch, look me in the eyes and speak those words to me, for me to hear, to watch your lips move as you speak them, kiss my lips, feel the softness against yours.
Those thoughts in me, anger subsides, melodies change, even without you, you spirit lingers, i feel your presence, cause your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone, a verse by Evanescence. My Immortal played so many times over the years her awesome melodic voice, her energy, her love, is felt through every song, just like i feel as i play for you. you cant hear me, but i played for you.
You read into my mind, you knew my secret, i didnt want to share, you knew, and it scared me.
My guard down, you walked right through, and for this im angry again.
Breaking Benjamin, Breath..."You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be."
I played this song 3 times, why? because i love to play this song, its my masterpiece, someone elses song, I change the melody a fraction, just to my own.
I can no longer think, i can no longer feel, im numb, linkin park again.
I need to make peace with my sister, i got too mad, i said some harsh words. She was only telling me the truth i suppose.
I push the bench under the piano, the legs squeek against hardwood floor. Once again, she took my thoughts, my dreams, my anger, my love and she made it melodic in her sublime keys.
I remain......a pianist

2008-11-29T13:55:00.000-08:00

Today I have decided to move my blog to blogger. I have been blogging since blogging began and I have kept written journals since high school. Blogging and journal writing is a way for me to release all the wild thoughts that run through my mind. Sometimes it can be therapuetic, other times, i dont think it helps at all.
I have a tendency to keep things bottled up inside of me sometimes. Its not healthy some will say, but to me, its my way of hiding i suppose.
I can be a bit private sometimes, other times i express my opinions and my emotions.
I have found that being hurt through family, friends, a divorce and an exboyfriend who almost took me for everything i had, i lost pieces of me. i became a biter person for awhile, but expressing my thoughts through blogging and my journals, i learned to deal with all that was thrown my way.
We are never promised a perfect life, nor were we ever promised it would be easy.
Its what we make of it, and i challenge myself daily to make the best of what I have. i have found some of the pieces that i have lost along the way, im slowly putting them back together. With each piece ive molded back together, i have found meaning once again when i thought all of lifes meaning was completely lost.
Today I remain.....happy.
Haley