Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Friday, on this stage will sit an ebony polish grand piano. The lights will dim, except for the soft glow on the stage. Guests seated in their velvet covered chairs will come to a silence from their quiet whispers. The burgundy velvet curtain will open after a brief introduction. I will walk from behind the corner of the stage, my heels clicking on the hardwood floored stage. Behind my smile I will be a nervous wreck. I will sit in front of the ivory keys, and delicately place my fingers upon them.

My songs not yet chosen at this time.
My own original composition not yet finished, my time is drawing near. My nose becomes clogged today and later starts to drain. My coughing returned last night, and my throat has become sore. This will be the first time I have ever gotten sick prior to any of performances.
I wonder, is it my nerves? Surely not. My sister sent me an email today, tickets are sold out. This will be the first time in 5 years. This made me more nervous.

I took time off today to practice and compose, I guess I will do it again the rest of the week.

I will hide my fear and my anxiety as I always do. I will sit and I will drift away. The unknown faces in the auditorium will vanish, the lights glowing above me will no longer be. I will travel to some distant place. Where? I do not know until the time comes, but when i reach my destination I will play for only one. I will relinquish all feelings inside of me upon the keys.
The applauds will come at the end and I will be forced back into the present time, together the Symphony and I will play a joyous Christmas song to end the night, in a not so joyous time.

Tonight I remain........a procrastinating composer

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Monday, December 15, 2008

Recently my mind has been flooding with thoughts again. I cannot seem to shake them. Ive tried, the harder i try the more my mind races. The thoughts come full speed often switching lanes.
I honestly hate when my mind races like this. I feel my thoughts are racing from 0 to 60 fueled by my own insecurities, my own anger, my own depression.

I want to scream but there is no one to scream to. The only person that may could understand would be the one who my thoughts center around.
I dream, Ive always been labeled a dreamer. Ive made quiet a few those dreams come true in my lifetime, but my daydreams now consist of loving one whom i cannot even touch. I question the love. Should one even do that? I do. I know what I feel, but I question it. I lay in bed after hours of talking and I question myself. Can this really be love? How can he read my thoughts as if he was looking me in the eyes staring down into the very core of my soul? How can he see what I cannot see in my own self? And how in the hell did he know the questions that roamed through my mind today..what if it is forever? where will forever be? Should i even be looking into the future? Take it one day at a time is what my sister would say. But even these thoughts she does not know.
I have never felt this way, even when i thought i loved the deepest and the most, I did not. This is a feeling like none other and im not sure how to handle it.
So I go with the flow. The flow is hard for me. Ive always been in control. In every thing i have done, in my relationships, my job, my family, I was in control. Or was I? maybe I never was. One thing is for sure now, I no longer have control. I tried controlling all my thoughts, hopes and dreams, and love and I lost control.
So I give him my hand and I let him lead the way, yes, he leads the way, because i cannot.

He does not know i watch him when his camera is on. He does not know i watch his every blink, the way he strokes his beard, the way he twists it and then lets it go.
He does not know I watch him fold his hands over his chest, move his head side to side. He does not know i watch the corners of his mouth turn up into the most angelic smile. I watch him walk to the fireplace and the way he bends over.

I place the tip of my finger nail against the screen and i trace his lips. I run my finger softly down his lips, his beard, his chest, as far as i can see.
I look at his hands, and I know mine fit perfectly in his. I lay my head on his chest, and I feel his hand run through my hair.
I kiss him so softly. our lips barely touching, just brushing eachothers, he takes control and pulls me closer and kisses me with a passion only two people in love can feel. These are my dreams, this is what i want in reality. I get so lost in my dreams, i feel its almost real, and when i realize its not reality, i hurt. I fucking hurt so bad when i realize im still all alone with out him.

I looked at my favorite picture of him the other night. I looked more deeply than i ever have, nothing changed, his eyes still remained the same, but I felt them burning in mine. I felt his love, I felt a connection. I felt his arms around me, holding me, whispering to me, kissing me. It was such a great comfort, and with that comfort i fell asleep.

The last few times we have talked something has been bothering him, and im scared, because i dont know what it is. so my mind races again, what have i done? is it over with? are we over before we even started?

I remain.........in love and confused

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Monday, December 8, 2008

Sadly it is that time of the year again. Everyone walks around singing Jingle Bells, Silent Night, and Deck The Halls. A long ride from the country to town at night, you can see the multicolored lights decorated throughout lawns. Houses adorned with the beautiful lights, manager scenes in the front yards, white candles in windows, the lights are simply beautiful.
Gifts lay under trees decorated with glittery balls, sentimental ornaments, festive lights flashing, red bows, with a flashing star or a praying angel to top it off.
Except my house. I have been the biggest scrooge this year. Im not really sure why. I just dont have all that holiday cheer. my daughters decided we needed to go ahead and put the tree up, my dog attacked it at 3am, yea score one for the dog!
Since my kids have become teenagers and no longer believe in Santa Claus I have gotten where i like christmas less and less. I do not like the shopping, i do not like the crowds.
I simply hate the cheerful old ladies who look at you and say merry christmas to you and God bless you. Why? Why would you even want to say God Bless to me? Do I look like I need a blessing? I also hate the scrooges like me, who are looking for that one gift and you can see the look of disgust and anger across their face. You try and muster up a smile, maybe your smile could brighten them if only for a moment, but they give you an eat shit look in return. I think to myself Fuck You. Yes, I do not like Christmas. It has become way to commercialized.
Last year, I ordered a few things on line to put under the tree, and then i gave my daughters money. I figured it was best to let them decide what they really wanted. Let them learn the concept of money!
There was no greater feeling, setting up toys and stuffing stockings just a few years ago. Getting up early before the sun rose, and waiting by the tree to see the sparkle in my daughters eyes as they ran in the living room to see what santa brought. The laughs, the giggles, the gleam in thier eyes brought tears in mine own eyes.
NOW, Mama i want, I want, I want, Can i have? why cant i have?
Then theres all the programs i have play at. Sure i could have said no this year, but noooo not me i have to feel guilty at the thought of no.
I would love to just skip Christmas this year. Im really not liking the thought of it.
Im scared to close my eyes at night. Im scared im going to start hearing chains rattle and the ghosts of christmas past, present and future are going to take me away. Christmas past will only show how I loved Christmas as a child. Waking up, feeling all nervous to see what santa left, running to the living room, getting slammed against the wall by your brother so he could get there first. Seeing barbie dolls, and barbie clothes, a big smile on my face...the whoops and cheers of brothers with new bb guns. As morning passed and the kids gather outside with new bikes, bbguns and me with my barbie and barbie car, Kelly dressed in a beautiful new coat, and earphones on her ears rocking to Kiss or somebody. We are all happy for a moment. That is until my ass, and legs started stinging from bb's !! I hated a damn bb gun. I guess maybe thats why i hate guns so much now. I must be scarred internally from the bbs as a kid. I would run to mama screaming Steve shot me. Mama would always say "its not going to kill you". Kelly would always wipe my tears and say dont worry about it. Funny till this day, she still wipes my tears and says dont worry about it.
Christmas past would also show the one time i really really really wanted that one special gift. I wanted a stereo. I was 12 years old. It was all i asked for, nothing else. That morning i did not run to the living room, i walked, I had learned not to get so excited. Bobby had a real shot gun. the first thought in my head was to hide, much much more powerful than a bb gun and it would kill me! I looked over at Steve , he too was holding a brand new shotgun. Wow! Great! 2 shot guns, i wondered who would kill who first! i stood in the doorway of the living room. mama urging me to see my stuff santa brought. I remember shaking my head, I just wanted to see what everybody else had first for some reason. I wanted to sit down with my stereo and enjoy it alone...i looked over at Kelly who had a Carolina Gamecock tag for a car. I wondered what she would do with that, when she busted out screaming. i ran over to her, she was jumping madly looking out the window, bobby and steve ran to the window..outside sat a baby blue Volkswagon with a red bow on top. Kelly ran outside, I followed. I was all smiles for her and asked would she take me for a ride. Of Course she yelled. The two of us sat in the car a minute, Steve had his shotgun pointed at the window..."do it and i will fuck you up" kelly said to him. I think he knew she probably would and just walked off. "what did you get?" she asked me. I shrugged my shoulders "dont know, havent looked yet". Kelly walked back inside with me, I walked over to the corner of the living room to see my stereo. Instead I found a couple of pairs of blue jeans, a sweater that made me itch, new tennis shoes, and a sony walkman. I looked around the room there was no stereo. The sony walkman was my stereo. Mama walked over and asked did I like it. "NO, mama all i asked for was a stereo, thats it." Her brown eyes turned red "Haley, you are never satisfied, Kelly got a car, Bobby and Steve got shotguns, do you even realize how much it all costs me?" "No mama and i dont care" I took my stuff to my room Kelly and I shared and laid across my bed. A few minutes later Kelly walked in and said she was going to go drive her car did i want to ride. i remember looking at her and busted out crying. She told me to never let it show. "NEVER HALEY, EVER, LET IT SHOW, she feeds off of it" she said. All i wanted was a stereo. I rode with Kelly that Christmas Day to our Grandparents in Georgia. I ran inside and threw my arms around my grandmother. "merry christmas baby" she said kissing me. This is where i always wanted to be..in my nannie's arms. i ran to my grandfather, and sat in his lap. "what did you get me?" i asked. "why would i tell my favorite grand baby that secret for?"
After we ate, we all sat around and opened our gifts. Kelly got a gift certificate to a store, Bobby and Steve got shotgun shells and knives. Great now they can slash eachother!
Again i waited till i was the last one. I had one little box in my hand. I opened it up carefully, inside the box was my grandmothers cameo broach. Ok..so it held sentimental value, but still not something a 12 year old would want. atleast not me. nannie told me her mother gave it to her when she was 12, and she wanted me to have it. I still have it today! I looked at my grand daddy, i think he read my mind. He told me to lift the cotton. I did, and under it was a 100 bill.
"Thats for being my favorite" he whispered as i hugged him tightly. When everybody left to go home, I stayed the rest of the week with my grandparents. My grand daddy took me to town the following day, I bought my own damn stereo!!!

Christmas past would also show the day my grand daddy gave me the keys to his orange Volkswagon and told me it was mine. Kelly and I would race up and down the backroads that day, her in her blue one, me in my orange one.
Christmas past would also show the day the Steve got a horse, and while i was loving and petting the horse, he turned and bit my boob. I do not like horses now because of that.
Christmas past would also show how Lonnie was neglected and I would always make sure he got what he wanted, I knew the feeling.

If the ghost of Christmas present came, he would show me what a selfish bitch im being about christmas, I would probably wrap his little chain around his neck and pull it tight and stuff him in the stocking. He would probably show me what its like for other families that dont get a christmas because they cant afford it. With that, i always give and give even when i dont have it, just so i know the poor can celebrate as well.

If the ghost of Christmas future came...I cannot say. I would hope he would show me i could enjoy christmas once again.

Its not my childhood that prevents me from enjoying christmas, its the fact my children are growing, im alone, and I get lonely at christmas. a feeling i dont like admitting.
But this year, im going to try really hard, to be happy because im thankful i have my favorite brother here to celebrate with us.
I will be thankful and happy because God gave me the ability to give my kids the money they want for christmas.
I will try and be happy even if i feel empty inside.
What is Christmas? How did santa claus even come about? Arent we suppose to celebrate the birth of Christ?
Maybe I should have been a Jehova's Witness.

Today I remain.......a scrooge!

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Piano Therapy  

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A writer expresses their emotions through a pen and paper or keyboard and screen. An artist, through paint, pastels, pencils the images flow on canvas or sketchpad of the emotions that engulf them. A muscian expresses these feelings through their music. A pianist expresses through the ivory keys.
This morning, I let everything that was flaming inside of me be released, extinguished through my fingers on to the ivory that laid beneath my finger tips. Anger from harsh words spoken between two sisters, anger from the annoyance of my job, anger from my children, my brother, my employees. Today was not a good morning, I needed to get away. I ran home, through the woods, fighting the branches against my long sleeves. The nature went unnoticed, i was being consumed with too much anger. I fought the tears that burned my eyes, i would not release with such a weakness.
Inside she sat, calling me to her, she would feel my anger, she would take it away. The divine ebony of her beauty glistened under the suns rays through the window. The ivory laid waiting.
I had no certain song to play. I laid my fingers on the keys, my mind spinning like a tornado on a spring day. Linkin Park prevailed, seems their songs are always the ones I play when im lost in thoughts. His lyrics seem to always describe the very entity of me of what ever i feel. Bleed It Out rang through the quiet, empty house followed by What Ive Done. I could feel all my anger easing, but still so much consumed me. Fall For You came out better than I could have every played, "I'm entranced by you, im enthralled by you". No, those are not lyrics, but words spoken to me that ring through my mind. When the day comes, hold my face in your hands,let me feel your touch, look me in the eyes and speak those words to me, for me to hear, to watch your lips move as you speak them, kiss my lips, feel the softness against yours.
Those thoughts in me, anger subsides, melodies change, even without you, you spirit lingers, i feel your presence, cause your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone, a verse by Evanescence. My Immortal played so many times over the years her awesome melodic voice, her energy, her love, is felt through every song, just like i feel as i play for you. you cant hear me, but i played for you.
You read into my mind, you knew my secret, i didnt want to share, you knew, and it scared me.
My guard down, you walked right through, and for this im angry again.
Breaking Benjamin, Breath..."You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be."
I played this song 3 times, why? because i love to play this song, its my masterpiece, someone elses song, I change the melody a fraction, just to my own.
I can no longer think, i can no longer feel, im numb, linkin park again.
I need to make peace with my sister, i got too mad, i said some harsh words. She was only telling me the truth i suppose.
I push the bench under the piano, the legs squeek against hardwood floor. Once again, she took my thoughts, my dreams, my anger, my love and she made it melodic in her sublime keys.
I remain......a pianist

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