Monday, December 15, 2008

Recently my mind has been flooding with thoughts again. I cannot seem to shake them. Ive tried, the harder i try the more my mind races. The thoughts come full speed often switching lanes.
I honestly hate when my mind races like this. I feel my thoughts are racing from 0 to 60 fueled by my own insecurities, my own anger, my own depression.

I want to scream but there is no one to scream to. The only person that may could understand would be the one who my thoughts center around.
I dream, Ive always been labeled a dreamer. Ive made quiet a few those dreams come true in my lifetime, but my daydreams now consist of loving one whom i cannot even touch. I question the love. Should one even do that? I do. I know what I feel, but I question it. I lay in bed after hours of talking and I question myself. Can this really be love? How can he read my thoughts as if he was looking me in the eyes staring down into the very core of my soul? How can he see what I cannot see in my own self? And how in the hell did he know the questions that roamed through my mind today..what if it is forever? where will forever be? Should i even be looking into the future? Take it one day at a time is what my sister would say. But even these thoughts she does not know.
I have never felt this way, even when i thought i loved the deepest and the most, I did not. This is a feeling like none other and im not sure how to handle it.
So I go with the flow. The flow is hard for me. Ive always been in control. In every thing i have done, in my relationships, my job, my family, I was in control. Or was I? maybe I never was. One thing is for sure now, I no longer have control. I tried controlling all my thoughts, hopes and dreams, and love and I lost control.
So I give him my hand and I let him lead the way, yes, he leads the way, because i cannot.

He does not know i watch him when his camera is on. He does not know i watch his every blink, the way he strokes his beard, the way he twists it and then lets it go.
He does not know I watch him fold his hands over his chest, move his head side to side. He does not know i watch the corners of his mouth turn up into the most angelic smile. I watch him walk to the fireplace and the way he bends over.

I place the tip of my finger nail against the screen and i trace his lips. I run my finger softly down his lips, his beard, his chest, as far as i can see.
I look at his hands, and I know mine fit perfectly in his. I lay my head on his chest, and I feel his hand run through my hair.
I kiss him so softly. our lips barely touching, just brushing eachothers, he takes control and pulls me closer and kisses me with a passion only two people in love can feel. These are my dreams, this is what i want in reality. I get so lost in my dreams, i feel its almost real, and when i realize its not reality, i hurt. I fucking hurt so bad when i realize im still all alone with out him.

I looked at my favorite picture of him the other night. I looked more deeply than i ever have, nothing changed, his eyes still remained the same, but I felt them burning in mine. I felt his love, I felt a connection. I felt his arms around me, holding me, whispering to me, kissing me. It was such a great comfort, and with that comfort i fell asleep.

The last few times we have talked something has been bothering him, and im scared, because i dont know what it is. so my mind races again, what have i done? is it over with? are we over before we even started?

I love and confused

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