I Am Afraid  

Monday, January 5, 2009

I try not to get too personal with my blogs, but sometimes I do. Its a way of releasing something eating at my soul, knawing and clawing in my mind. However, yesterday I got a little too personal, and I deleted my whole post and decided to write in my journal I have near my bedside table. Even then I still had so much pressing.
After spending nearly 3 hours on the phone last night till the wee hours of the morning, so many thoughts ran rapid through my brain.
How can I tell him my fears? Why am I afraid of telling him my fears? We share relatively the same past, same hopes, dreams, wants and needs. Its like we are almost cloned. He likes to say Im the missing piece. He says I am a piece of him that has been missing so long. I honestly have to say I agree.
So why am I afraid to share my fears with him? Am I scared of his rejection? No. I doubt he will reject me. If no one truly understood me, I do believe he does, so why am i afraid?
So many times I have sat down and tried to message him all I was feeling, but the words just wouldnt come out right. I end up just babbling about nothing.
But always with due time I always end up confessing something to him. I might feel the need pressing to tell him something, yet i cant get it out, 2 or 3 days later it will flow from me like a river downstream.
And the funny thing about it all...i know deep down he has the same fears. I know this. So why am i afraid of telling him?
He knows so much of my past, my wrong doings, my broken and failed marriage. He knows the heartache, hurts and sorrows from my past. He knows the anger I sometimes cannot push down and make go away.
The moment I realized I was in love with him, he knew .He freaking knew. it was something I was trying to hide, but he knew. When I tried explaining some kind of feeling I had, what i felt like for so long, and i started to babble trying to get him to understand, he silenced me. He sent me an old blog he had written. The words, just as i had said. The feelings, the same as I.
So who is going to understand my fears like no other? He is, but I am afraid.

Never once did i think i could love again. Never once did i dream if i ever did it would be this way. We speak of forever and ever. What woman wouldnt want forever?
A number of women would kill for him, for the sweet nothings he says to me, the way he can read into my soul and bring things out of me hidden for years.

Beyond the spiders, beyond the snakes, beyond him knowing how big of a klutzy and clumsy person i am, there are things that go much deeper.

How do i express them to him? Does he already know? Our love, deep, pure, complicated, he can read into the very depths of my soul. Does he already know these fears, these fears im so afraid of.

Today I remain...........Afraid

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4 comments: to “ I Am Afraid

  • .
    January 6, 2009 at 7:28 AM  

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • .
    January 6, 2009 at 7:28 AM  


    hello , just happened to drop by .. Well , maybe u can try opening up yourself since u bumped into him* .
    Don't regret it before it is too late..Well,try to tell him some of it slowly......to make u feel better (:

  • Lord, I want to be whole
    January 20, 2009 at 3:17 PM  

    This was a very raw and beautiful post. Sometimes I feel very afraid too. I wish for you to have hope!

  • Anonymous
    January 20, 2009 at 4:54 PM  

    You are an powerful writer. This is my first read her and I'm in love with your writing and you aesthetic. I can relate to this struggle. Loving the man you befriended, feeling like he can see into your soul at all times. Still there are quiet times when you desperately want hide form him. You can't articulate why so you try to push yourself but some unseen force stops you. Trust your sense of timing. If it is personal, something that is not a detriment to him, take your time. Tell him when you feel confident. If it is something that might upset him and it is important for him to know, get mutual friends involved. It will give you both the support you need.

    Thank you for sharing such raw emotions. Though it sounds somewhat painful your post is as pretty as a poem.

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